Alphabet Soup

a friend of mine recently messaged me on facebook wanting to share a poem with me that she had written. she said that she wanted me to take a look at it since she thinks that i am a great writer and she always thinks about a poem that i had written about 5 years back in high school. [the funny thing is that i haven't written in so long] i had completely forgot about that poem and decided to look it up and find it. i realize now that i had written that poem 5 years ago for my present self. i don't think that i was going through any particular stressful events during that time of life but i just wrote it and it flowed... looking back on it now, it is speaking itself into existence and making itself perfectly clear. but anyway here it, "Alphabet Soup"


Angry as hell
But I can’t
Cry and let it out cause I
Don’t want anyone to realize that
Even though I may seem strong outside I really am
Frightened and scared to know that I may never
Get to truly be
Happy cause my real feelings are stored on the
Inside. So I laugh it off as if it’s a
Joke and I’m only just
Kidding around. I really need to stop this because I’m
Letting it control
My everyday life. I need to go back to feeling
Normal and try to
Overcome this pain that’s forever
Promising to not let me get up. I want to go back to my
Quintessence where life was understood and rarely
Reviewed because I always knew what
Steps that I was going to
Take next. And I always
Understood what my
Very purpose
Was here in this world. But now I’m feeling like a
Xenophobe. Like I hate all people but myself when what I’m really
Yearning for is someone to
Zap me back to reality.


(December 15, 2006)

Brain Dead

This generation is going to be the 1st generation that won't surpass its previous generation.
Whenever I hear this I can't help but shake my head.
We're more technologically advanced but it seems as though we're slinking behind.
Technology should be pushing us forward but it's just dumbing us down.
Time spent in front of television and computer screens could be used reading a book or solving a problem.
Niggas is brain dead, can't even READ!

'To be educated is to be enlightened, independent of thoughts and ideas and wisdom.'
But no one wants to be independent and think for themselves.
Following the pack and following the crowd is a whole lot easier than standing up following your own self.
Niggas is brain dead, can't even THINK!

We've become a stagnant generation.
Lukewarm, neither hot nor cold.
Stuck in a constant state of limbo wondering around aimlessly.
How is it that haven't even really progressed much, still sitting on the couch glued to the television screen.
Niggas is brain dead, can't even MOVE!

We'd much rather listen and make foolish music and defile our women than to teach them to be proud Black women.
We'd much rather kill our Black men and sell each other drugs than teach them how to be better fathers.
Everybody wanna grow up fast instead of cherishing their childhood.
Niggas is brain dead, can't even LOVE!

Can't you see how we are hurting one another?
We are blind to each other's pain.
Stop watering the crops of our dreams with our people's blood.
Dry up the Lake of Tears.
Niggas is brain dead, can't even SEE!

I wanna uplift my people and give them hope.
We don't have to stay stuck in that bottomless pit.
We have options and no longer have to live in darkness
We have books, let us READ.
We have knowledge, let us THINK.
We have bodies, let us MOVE.
We have hearts, let us LOVE.
We have sight, let us SEE!
We have LIFE, let us LIVE!

Good Hair?!

So I finally watched Chris Rock's documentary Good Hair. It was a very good documentary and it opened my eyes to something that plays a very important part in EVERY Black person's life whether they want to admit or not. Both men and women worry about it, which is the reason why boys will brush their hair for hair for hours to get their waves "spinning" or women will purchase 18+ inch weaves by the ounce to get that long flowing hair that blows in the wind. What I also thought about was Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye and Pecola wanted so bad to have long blond hair and blue eyes so she would be pretty because no one would love a little dark-skinned black girl with nappy short hair.

What is "good hair" and do you have it? Listening to these people's definition of what "good hair" had me picking my brain to see if I too felt that way. What do I consider "good hair"? Growing up I was taught that nappy or kinky hair wasn't "good hair" cause it was too hard to take of. I want to be honest but I don't want to come off as vain either but my first thought was hair that is manageable so obviously that person had to have been mixed with another race. But on the less vain side, I think that "good hair" is healthy. Length doesn't necessarily mean that it's healthy.

What struck me the most while watching this documentary was the part about women getting relaxers or what most people call it, "perms". Besides the fact that this was such a harmful chemical that these women and sometimes men were putting in their hair it was also being applied to children as young as three years old. Sodium Hydroxide aka Lye could burn through a soda can in an hour so imagine what it could do to our skin and our hair. A three year old's hair follicles are not yet fully formed and for someone to put something that harmful in a child's hair that early is crazy!

My hair was relaxed at the age of seven and I really wished now that my mother had waited a little longer until Junior High and had let me decide if I wanted to perm my hair or not. I mean I understood why she did it, she had three girls and it was a headache to have to comb all three of their hair but I wish she would have waited a little while longer. My hair was particularly hard to manage because it was so thick and long but still.

What I am trying to prove or say is that you should love and embrace your hair no matter what the texture is. I didn't embrace it and I didn't take enough care of it and now I am wishing it was back to the length and fullness that it once was. "Good hair" can be so many different things and has no real textbook definition. So embrace and love what you have. Love your hair and every strand, nap or curl that it may have.

divergence (fork in the road)

we've finally come to that fork in the road.
stuck deciding if we should make that left or right together or go separately.
divergence.
and i know we're straying from what we had originally planned but sometimes you've got to alter your course and tweak it a bit.
cause ive been driving down this road with you for about 6 years now
and for some reason it seems like we've been passing the same tree over and over.
it feels like we've already passed that house on the left a few times before.
but we keep driving and ignoring the fact that we're not making any progress.
we keep driving but we haven't moved anywhere.
stuck in park i suppose…
the gear's been shifted.
somebody's got to get out the car and make an effort to try to fix things.
find a gas station, a mechanic, somebody who can help.
but it seems like the only willing to make a sacrifice is me.
the only one willing to shell out the money to get our car fixed is me.
well i think i finally just ran out of money.
my bank has been exhausted and there's no more.
but that's not to say we can't get out and walk.
i'm willing to go 'a la pie' but you gotta be willing too.
willing to walk that distance for me and for us because you want to.
love is a two-way street so you better watch out for traffic.
look both ways before you cross.
and hold my hand too.
we stayed on the right side of the street til we got to that fork at the end of the road.
we got stuck trying to decide if we should make that left or right together or go separately.
i chose to diverge.